Thirteen Things That Happened on Retreat

1) Gastrointestinal distress. Did you think I'd start out by saying I'd become enlightened? If so, you have not eaten institutional food for 30 days. It was good, for institutional food, but something -- and some combo of things, likely -- disagreed with me.

2) An 80s Dance Party. The celebration at the end of the retreat? Well, the committee decided to have an 80s theme, which ended as a dance party. Like, it was, like, totally tubular.

3) Some bullshit drama. 30 people meditating in the mountains for 30 days. Drama was had.

4) Birthday goodness. My 37th birthday. I laughed and told people some aspect of the retreat felt more like I was 17: having a curfew, rules about where I could and could not go, sleeping in a dorm-type situation on a twin bed, and having no control over my schedule. But the fabulous cards and packages I got, along with the desserts and presents my fellow retreaters arranged for me... well, they were very nice birthday presents, and maybe even more appreciated given the circumstances.

5) Physical pain. Meditating for 7-9 hours a day? Well, it took me about a week but I finally figured out that neither a zafu nor a gomden work for me. After I got a warrior's bench, I had regular meditation pain, not the I'm-gonna-die-oh-fuck-it-hurts kind of pain.

6) Connections. I got to know some very unique, fabulous people a little bit better.

7) Personal revelations. I got to know myself, including how my mind works, a whole lot better. I learned an awful lot about myself and how I operate.

8) Profound moments. I had at least one moment where I realized my true nature.

9) Mail. My family and friends came through on the mail/package delivery, even when it wasn't my birthday. In my world, mail = love, especially when I'm away from the phone and the internet.

10) No cravings. My speculation that I'm addicted to email and the internet? Must not be true, because I had no desire for either. I was also largely lacking any desire for specific foods or drinks. Some retreaters had long conversations about the food or drinks they missed, but the closest I got was thinking at one point, "An Odwalla would be nice."

11) Late Night Talks. There was some sleep deprivation. My roommate and I had some great talks, even though we probably should have gone to sleep earlier.

12) Tears. At one point, I told some people I felt like a child. For example, someone would say something that hurt my feelings, I'd cry (or really feel whatever emotion it was), I'd talk with them (or work through it somehow), and then it'd all be over as if it never happened not long after that. It reminded me of being a child. To other people, it seemed to suggest I was really being an adult.

13) Vulnerability. In some ways, I really put myself out there during the retreat, showing aspects of myself I hadn't before and taking emotional risks with people. Parts of the retreat were really painful. Other parts were very fulfilling. It was a combo platter. Ultimately, though, I think the vulnerability helped me grow into a slightly more honest, more centered version of myself. And being with other people when they were vulnerable? It was such a gift to be there with them and for them.