dreams and reality

I was on the edge of sleep, drifting in a netherworld of almost dreams, when I thought of you. It was a tender thought. A tender thought which came with a sweet smell. And, as I breathed in the tender smell, I knew it was only the edge of something more.

So, I leaned forward and took another breath. The smell wasn't you, and it wasn't me. It was a combination of the best of us. A smell blooming up from affection, comfort, and love. The feelings and the smell wrapped itself around me. It felt so wonderful to ease into those feelings, to remember you with such tenderness. Within a heartbeat, though, the wonderfulness was also coated with grief and loss, because you are not here next to me and likely never will be again.

The last images I have of you are etched inside of me. You walking away on a rainy city street while I leaned up against the front of the restaurant. There was something about seeing you walk away that was important. Something that seemed telling. You didn't look back. Didn't know I was looking. That is, until you stopped a few blocks away to cross the street. You glanced my way while waiting for the light. I wasn't sure if you saw me or not, but, as you walked across the street bringing your cell phone to your ear, part of me wondered if you were calling me.

Most of me knew you weren't.

As my cell phone remained silent, I watched you move on, metaphorically and physically. A block later, you took a right turn and winked out of sight. And, perhaps, out of existence. At least in my life.

Yes, there was something important about that sight.

Yet there was the smell. Last night, as I was innocently trying to go to sleep. The feeling, too, such a contrast to how I had been feeling about you. I don't know what it means. The feeling from last night was so very beautiful, so very touching. We never quite reached that in real life. We never smelled quite that sweet together.

My head says that I should say goodbye to you forever. My heart wonders if the smell was a sign of things to come.

I do think that my capacity to love you is deep and vast. Yes, you specifically. I also am pretty damn sure you'd still walk away and not call if you knew that.