"It isn't wrong to want." As I read the words written by a faithful commenter, something inside of me eased.
Sometimes I am afraid to want.
Sometimes I am afraid to hope.
Sometimes I am afraid to desire.
Sometimes I am afraid.
Sometimes I get exactly what I wished for, and then I think, "I should have been more specific." (Irony is clearly not dead.)
Sometimes I'm afraid to put a voice to my desires, because wishing for something makes it real. Wishing for something is admitting that something else isn't working.
Sometimes I don't feel worthy of the good outcome, the fabulous prize, the happy ending. Even when I know that it really has nothing at all to do with worth.
I wonder sometimes if letting out my wishes will start a chain reaction, one that ends with me being a bleeding mass of unfulfilled wants and desires.
I wonder sometimes if I want too much.
I wonder sometimes if I want too little.
I wonder if wanting and desiring things to be different isn't simply a creative way to complain. Or to be greedy.
"It isn't wrong to want."
Some part of me soaked it up.
Another part of me doubted it.
I do want. I want a lot of things, regardless of whether it's right or wrong.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
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3 comments:
your prose is poetry to my ears, little one. are you going to publish some day? i'll be in line at the book signing.
p.s. i still think the radio psych thing would be excellent, too.
Ahh, jfh, thanks for the compliment. From you, it means a lot. It does have that poetry feel, doesn't it? Not really my explicit intention... just one of my writing styles, I think.
I think it is deeply ingrained into humanity to want and desire. So is self doubt, unfortunately :) Never stop questioning because without knowledge, we don't move forward.
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