a pivotal moment

I'd gotten downtown a little early, and I had some time to wander around before I met a friend for a movie. At 8:30pm on a Friday night, the only businesses open in downtown Juneau are bars and McDonald's. Actually, there are a few restaurants and movie theatres open, also. But that's about it. It seems a crime to have coffee shops closed in the evenings, especially weekend evenings, but I'm not the one who legislates these things.

As a result, the streets of Juneau seemed faintly deserted. It was a clear, beautiful night, and the almost continual rain had stopped briefly. It made my walk on the rain-soaked streets eerily beautiful.

I wandered over to the edge of town, to look over the channel between Juneau and Douglas Island. The darkness made the water look black, and the lights from the island were reflected in the calm, black waters of the ocean. It was a glorious sight.

As I got closer to the water, I noticed some warning signs. The wooden platform ended with only a small wooden ledge that was about a foot high. On the other side of that small ledge, there was a significant drop to the waters below. Very significant.

As I stood next to the ledge and looked down at the water, I had one of those moments. One of those moments where you can look back and say, "That's when I made the decision" or "That's when my life changed." Pivotal moments that you don't always know are coming your way.

Before that pivotal moment, though, I looked down into the water and thought, "I could simply fall." I stood for a moment, calmly contemplating what my death would look like.

What scares me the most is the calmness of the thought more than the content of the thought. And the fact that it's not the first time I've thought about it.

And then came the pivotal moment. As I stared out at the beautiful night and felt a part of the clear, cold moment in time, I started whispering, "I have to leave here. I have to leave here. I have to leave here." Even after I stopped my whispering, even as I walked away from the ledge, I felt that decision resonate within me.

I have to leave here.

Not leave here in permanent death kind of way, you understand. But leave here in a go somewhere where the sun actually shines and coffee shops are actually open at night kind of way.

I'm here because of my job. But no job is worth my life.

So, the big changes I promised long ago? They are coming. Not swiftly, but they will be here.

In the meantime, I'll take care of myself. And plan for the future.


NOTE #1: If you are thinking of suicide, please, please, please call 1-800-SUICIDE. That number is free in the U.S. Outside of the U.S., please find the number for your local suicide prevention hotline and call it!

NOTE #2: Don't panic. I won't kill myself. I'm strong enough to write this, strong enough to ask for help when/if I need it, strong enough to go clean my kitchen as soon as I post this. And I'm strong enough to make the changes in my life necessary to get out of this situation and out of this mindset.