I am much more than a number

Several years ago, I was walking along a path overlooking the beach, when I came upon four men sitting by the path.  As I walked briskly toward them, wearing my workout clothes and sweating, they looked at me, and then they looked at each other and smiled.  When I got directly in front of them, each man held up a sign with a number on it.  They rated me.  More precisely, they were rating my appearance, on a 1-10 scale.

Not all individuals are as blatant as these men were, but the memory is a stark reminder to me that I am, like women everywhere, judged and rated by my appearance.  I don’t particularly blame these men (other than thinking they were a tad tactless and rude).  Rather, I see these moments as being an example of the intense focus we have on people’s, particularly women’s, appearance in America.

Let’s fast forward to January 1^st of this year.  I decided to join a Health Challenge, and my motivation was, indeed, health.  I want to be healthier. Eat healthier. Work out regularly.  Be as strong and as able bodied as I can be. My goals weren’t about weight or size.  Rather, my goals were focused on health-related behaviors.

And then I bought a scale. 

I thought having some measurable way to see if a healthy diet and lifestyle were affecting me was a nice step.  I usually use how my clothes fit as a guide, but having a scale appealed to the numbers nerd inside of me.  I had already started to use an iPhone app, Lose It!, to track my diet and exercise, even though I felt a tad conflicted about the name of the app, given that my goals weren’t directly associated with losing weight.  

After buying a scale, I started weighing myself before breakfast every morning.  Here’s where it got complicated.  Because the scale?  It told me I was 2 pounds lighter after two consecutive mornings of weighing myself!  And I was 1.4 pounds lighter the next day.  I re-calibrated the scale again and again, yet it told me the same thing each time.  I was losing weight.  More weight than I’d expected to lose so quickly. 

After four days of weighing myself, I posted this on my twitter account:

After a full week, I was 5.6 pounds lighter than I had been the week before.  People keep telling me it was great, but I wasn’t as excited.  I knew I was focusing my attention somewhere that wasn't particularly healthy for me. I had started, like so many people, to focus on the weight, to focus on the number.  

Yet we aren’t numbers.  I’m not the number on that scale any more than I’m the numbers those men assigned me. 

Let’s face it:  When we focus on the number, we aren’t focusing on health.  We are focusing on thinness. We are focusing on appearance.  And there are a thousand ways to be thin that aren’t at all healthy.  And there are another thousand ways to be 5, 10 or 15 pounds heavier and be healthy. 

You see, when I focus too much on my weight, I start making less than healthy choices.  I’ll go hungry or eat the less nutritious food that’s fewer calories.  I’ll also potentially tie myself up in knots about being a certain weight.  Self worth based on my weight?  Well, that’s simply a crappy life to live, and I refuse to live my life that way. 

So, I’m going to stop focusing on the number.  I’m going to remember my New Year’s resolution and make healthy food and lifestyle choices.  If other people want to focus on their weight, I will support them if it works for them.  I don’t, however, think it works for me.  Focusing on my weight only makes it more likely I’ll make unhealthy choices. 

And the good news?  I’ve made a lot of healthy food and exercise choices since January 1^st, and I’m proud of myself.  I’m also planning to keep up the healthy choices until the end of the challenge (February 28^th) and beyond. 

As a final note, I know some of you are wondering, so I’ll tell you the ratings I got from those four men on the path:  6, 7, 8 and 9.  Beauty, after all, is in the eye of the beholder.  We aren’t all the same, and we aren’t all attracted to the same thing.

Thank goodness.   

A healthier me in the new year?

I've been thinking about making some changes in my life, and I'm wondering if using the energy of the New Year, including all the other people making resolutions, would help. I don't usually make resolutions, but this may be the year.

In particular, it has occurred to me that having a community to support me in making some health-related changes could be beneficial.  It'll likely also help me keep my resolutions longer than I might otherwise.

With those things in mind, I decided to take part in John P.'s Health Challenge 2010.  From his blog, here are the rules:

1. Eliminate as much sugar from your diet as possible. No more candy, cake or cookies. You are allowed Two otherwise illegal candy bars per week IF you follow all of the other rules.
2. No sugary drinks like Coke (here’s why) or alcoholic drinks (huge calories)! In fact, nothing but water, unsweetened tea or coffee to drink! You are allowed Two otherwise illegal drinks per week IF you follow all of the other rules.
3. Decrease food portions by 30-50% for all meals. Instead of eating whatever portion you are given, slow down while eating and stop after you feel full.
4. Snack all you want, but only fruit, veggies or nuts are allowed!
5. Exercise at least 5 times a week. This doesn’t mean long exercise daily! It means frequent bursts of exercise. Pushups and situps a few times a day for example.
6. Publicly update the rest of us and encourage others to keep going! (Twitter, Facebook, etc.)

The challenge lasts from today (January 1) to February 28.  Wish me luck!

Digital Cleanse Challenge

John Mayer is calling for a cleanse.  A digital cleanse. TechCrunch seems to think he might have an impact, since he has 2.8 million and some-odd number of followers on Twitter. (I'm one of the some-odd followers, by the way.)

The link in John Mayer's twitter goes to this website, which outlines the digital cleanse rationale, rules, and timeframe.  Basically, from January 1 to January 8, he's calling for people to not text, not visit social networking sites, and only email from desktop or laptops (not cell phones).

John Mayer (and he is John Mayer in my head, not simply John or even Mr. Mayer) has an interesting idea. Already people are (ironically) using social media sites to discuss whether they think they can or cannot, will or will not accept and be able to fulfill the Digital Cleanse Challenge.

Could I do it?  Mostly likely.  You see, I went on a month long retreat in early 2008, where I didn't have access to computers or my cell phone. One of the many things I wondered about before the retreat was whether I could live without technology for so long.  I'd gotten my first iPhone six months before that, and I was clearly addicted. I turned to my iPhone so very many times a day that I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with a month of no digital data streaming into my life.  Yet, as it turned out, being away from technology and the information highway was one of the easiest parts of the retreat. It would be a different type of challenge to take a digital cleanse while still going about my usual day-to-day activities, but I'm betting I could do it.

Do I want to do it?  Well... no.  Right now in my life, I'm looking for more connection, not less.  And, even though it's through my computer, sites such as Twitter and Facebook offer me at least one form of connection with other people. So, I am going to let the Digital Cleanse Challenge slide by me, at least this time.  I will, however, take this as a reminder to be more thoughtful in my day-to-day life.  To not veg out by browsing social media sites. To think about making a phone call instead of sending a text.  To be more conscious about how many times (and why) I pick up my iPhone. 

I will, though, attempt one part of the cleanse: "no visiting of any entertainment or gossip sites."  I don't have any conclusive evidence to back my next statement up, but I'm pretty sure they slowly (and seductively?) rot your brain.

there's an opening

Recently, I stood in my parents' hallway, staring at a nail. It's not simply any nail.  This particular nail was put in the wall to hold the picture of the person I had been dating.  A picture that had been directly under mine on the wall.

As I stood there, I felt both heartache and humor simultaneously. Looking at the wall, it is clear there is a missing picture, even if you don't happen to see the nail.  It struck me as both funny and sad.  "Look! There's an opening!," I said to my sisters, because there is an opening, both metaphorical and physical.

Back in my own home, I watched 500 Days of Summer last night, reflecting on love, happiness, endings and beginnings. I think I am ready to move out of my own 500 days, and I'm wondering what the future holds for me and that opening underneath my picture.

making resolutions

This year I, contrary to my usual pattern, may actually make some New Year's resolutions. Usually, the process seems a little artificial to me. If you are going to resolve to do something, then why do it based on one day of the year?  Why not make a resolution at any time? New Year's eve and day have, for the most part, simply been another evening and day in the year, albeit with more drunk and/or hungover people in the world. 

Yet this year seems a little different. Not that I'm placing any more importance on the changing of a calendar year, but because deciding how and where I go next may be important. There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last calendar year, both professionally and personally, and I am in a good spot in life.  I also get the sense that things will continue to change for me, and that I am on the cusp of some amazing experiences. All in all, it is a great place to be. 

So, should I make some resolutions?  Perhaps.  Not the desperate, I-need-to-change-my-life resolutions, but the gentle, this-is-who-I-want-to-be resolutions. If I do, though, these resolutions may or may not occur by the time I'm writing 2010 on my checks.